My partner is dying. He refuses to acknowledge it.
My anam cara… my soul friend… is falling away from me. He chooses it.
My babylove is harder and harder to care for. He is starting to feel it.
My psyche is torn. It knows it.
My vida… my life… is twirling. I can’t grasp it.
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psychevida 
Wow. My heart goes out to you.
Its a Wow kind of ride right now!! So much better with the support of others… Thank you!
I am sad along with you. Strength to you both.
Maggie- Thank you for the support, it makes such a difference!
‘We should support each other – give more warmth in such a demanding world as this.’ ~ Hafiz
You express your emotions with a beautiful voice. Perhaps this event is a gift from your partner, in the form of revealing your talent for words.
Your journey is complex and difficult. Your partner appears to be at peace with his diagnosis and in not seeking conventional treatment, not even to palliate his symptoms, his main wish is to have your company. I’m more of an info-seeker like yourself, as it helps me create a bit of order out of chaos. Some people move through the chaos, not noticing or minding its effects on themselves or others. I am a “fixer” by nature, but many are not, and don’t want that reaction.
Yes, your needs are important and you must take care of yourself. You can’t be the best version of yourself for your partner otherwise. However, it’s important to “get it”, to empathize and act in his best interest while communicating your difficulties, emotionally and practically. You may need to take initiative to place him in hospice when the time comes, and obtain assistance with aspects of his daily life. You both deserve good care. I hope your partner realizes your hardships as well and tries to ease your suffering as you ease his.
I hope I haven’t overstepped my boundaries. All the best to you both.
Jazz
Jazz-
So much gratitude for your words!!! Thank you. It is true, I am a fixer, or at least a pro-active actor!!
Unfortunately, he is not at peace with the diagnosis, and that is where my struggle is… He is afraid to take any action to prepare either himself, me, or his friends and family… I think that would make it too real and he would like to continue to believe as if it is not…
Anyway, it is my desire to hold him and his needs gently and tenderly that prompts me to find some guidance elsewhere… Thank you for holding my hand in this… That I may also hold yours!!
As I read what you wrote above I started to cry because while Tim understands the probable outcome of his illness I feel the same way. I can not bear the thought of life without him. This does not mean I would take my own life but I struggle to visualise my life without him in it. Hopefully he will be one of the 5% who survive for 5 years or more. My heart goes out to you and I will hold your hand through this as I hope you will hold mine.
Helen
It is a lot like having been dropped in the middle of nowhere with no map or other tools… I am glad to have your friendship with me on this journey.
I am sending you lots of prayers….
Susie- Thank you, that they may all come back to bless you!
I wish I could write as well as you. I’ve been told writing in a journal/blog would help me, but when I do it, I feel like a child has written it. Its a jumbled mess. Your words, while occasionally sad, are beautiful regardless. I will hope for a miracle that things turn out ok.
Sciler-
Thank you for your generous kindness!
I am reading your pages and I find them to be clear and honest. That is not an easy thing to achieve with words, and it is often only children who are able to do it. Perhaps, it is a gift that you have been given to communicate in such a way!
I am glad that you stumbled across my blog so I could follow you back to yours. I am sorry to hear of the circumstances you’re in. So much is shared in loss and yet each love, each life, is different and different special… so I will just say that I am feeling for you as you find your own way through..
Rising star!!!
Thank you so much for your kindness and support. It is easier to feel through the dark when I know there is a light at the end.
Thanks for your kind words about my light hearted musings. I send you concentrated positive energy for you and your partner to accept what the Universe lays before you. There is light at the end.
Peace.
Lou-
So much appreciation for all of the support and energy being sent my way! Even though acceptance is not my natural response to- well, anything – I am working on it each day!! Peace and joy back to you!
From the other side…. as a retired nurse and psychologist I understand how hard it is for a person to accept what is sometimes seen as betrayal of the body. as someone who is dying I would encourage you to seek support for yourself. wow I am at a lose for words here,, sorry. what works for one does not work for another obviously, have you tried the direct approach? sometimes those around me have questions and yet feel hesitant to ask. it has taken work on my part to let those I love know that it is better to ask now while I can answer than to never have asked and always wonder. facing one’s mortality… that is something most of us are not prepared for. in my case husband is remarkable although initially he was in the fix it stage. the gift we have given each other is to work through this together and hope that it somehow will ease the lose later. it is my hearts wish for you and your partner that in a moment there will come the peace of heart that opens the door of acceptance and sharing this adventure. it is my last adventure in this life and I am going to make the most of it, may your partner find that spirit and blessing. you are both in my thoughts and heart.
Thank you for the generosity of compassion in your words. It is a process of learning how to negotiate this situation with the gentleness we each need… I am afraid of missing out on some of the adventure because of his desire to believe there is a future for it… But I think we are working our way to a balance…
My thoughts and prayers are with you….
And much appreciated!! Thank you.
As we are all dying, but only some know how and when, we *must* stand in solidarity with one another, most especially with those we love. And you must know from your conversations here that there is a peculiar and yet very deep and real kind of love that springs from the bond of community among all the sojourners who care about real life and compassion and passion.
I wish you well. I wish healing and hope and comfort and the best possible death–for each and every one of us.
Peace.
Kathryn
Kathryn-
Deepest, deepest gratitude. This is the wish that I have for my lover, for my loved ones, and all those who love and are loved… Much light today.
Your blog posts are beautiful…so sad, so endearing. so heartfelt, so true…I’m sending you strength, love and comfort even though we are strangers ~ although friends of the heart. You are in my thoughts, my prayers. xo
Friends of the heart are rare and precious. Thank you for such a valuable gift.
Hello and thank you for your visit and for following me…I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through, but your words are beautiful, in showing your love~I can feel your pain, not with my husband, but, my Mom just went under hospice care and we are just waiting…it’s very sad and I find myself crying everyday and just praying for her comfort and my Dad’s…anyway, I hope for a smooth journey and pray for peace and comfort for you both and your family~
I will also follow your journey~
Lauren
Lauren-
Much strength and gentleness to you, your mom and your family. My heart is strengthened by your prayers and I offer the same back to you.
I can’t truly understand how difficult this must be for you and your partner, and any words I write could seem full of air and meaningless. I do sincerely hope that you can both find some gifts, and possibly even beauty, in this last journey together. It’s a cliche to say that life is short, but it truly is. I’ve lost friends in the blink of an eye and was left with the struggle to understand their sudden loss and how it would change my life. I’m not sure if knowing death was imminent would have made it any easier or not. I do think reaching out to a community of writers may help you a lot.
The sincerity of support and encouragement that I have received from the amazing writers here has been stunning! Thank you for your own words of compassion and thoughtfulness. That we may all find the gifts that are offered to us!
Beautiful words. As a someone who has cancer and is also facing possible death I think your words are all the more heartwrenching. Your partner is very lucky to have your love and care. None of us are in complete control of our destiny, so sometimes I think we should all let go a little bit more and just appreciate what time we do have. When I pass, for my husband, I only wish that he finds happiness over time because he deserves it. And anyway, there’s always hope that a situation might turn around. It can happen. Good luck and kind regards, Sahx
‘We are not perfectly free until we live in pure hope.’ ~Thomas Merton
May your day and each day be filled with the love, laughter and warmth of your family and friends.
Much strength and gentleness to you.
Hello,
You visited by blog about; “The Chaos”..: thank you for ‘receiving’ the words I printed there from my heart and soul. I too was very touched by many of the things you have written here. Truly, I am at a loss for words, because your poems and thoughts, feelings and insights touch me so profoundly. Intuitively, I sense your great ‘wisdom’ as well. I love your sentiments..”.But I also want him to enjoy quality of life. ………And when it comes time for the end, I’d rather it were peaceful. At least in heart if it cannot be in body…..accepting that death is a natural process of life, and may just be a final opportunity for more holistic living. ”
My friend works with clients in hospices and teaches about ‘Death and Dying’… I love his phrase… ‘ it is often about Living our Dying’. It sounds like your partner is doing this with graciousness and aliveness and awareness. It sounds like ‘you’ truly honour his ‘spirit’ in his journey and decisions.
My father (87) was dying years ago and if he had stayed on his meds to slow the prostatic cancer, his libido would have been affected. The way he loved my mother, even the little touches on her cheek or on her butt, would have diminished as would have his quality of life. I talked with my mother about this and coaxed her to honour his decisions to be able to ‘love’ her in the way he wanted until the end. He did. My mother is now 90( she was 9 years younger than he was). She misses her soul-mate terribly but she is so glad for the lucid moments of love they had at the end.
I wish you both much positive energy and many kodak moments together and many heartfelt, love moments in the time you do have together.
I have lost much in life, and the deepest love on the planet, of twin soul love, has been the hardest to lose… for me. I only have faith that there ‘is’ purpose for all things and the ‘deep experience’ of unconditional love was the result of many challenges and loss. Not sure why it had to be this way, for me…. but I do wish you many blessings in ‘your’ life. Be kind to yourself too there girl, eh? ( sorry I am Canadian:-)) hugs -Thank you for sharing your journey and it was SO nice to find a ‘like- minded’ person out in cyber-space.
Carolyn
Dear Carolyn-
I apologize for the delay in my response. Truly, I wanted to have time to read through and honor your heartfelt comment…
Thank you for the intimate and significant words offered here. I love your friend’s wisdom. ‘Living our Dying’ is clearly not an easy thing to do. For most of us there are no models and to go in search of them would be considered morbid by most in our culture.
The story of your parents is one that touches me deeply. Indeed, while not something considered to be primary to medical professionals concerned with length of life, loving and the ability to love one another in the way that we each deserve is critical to our being able to ‘Live our Lives’ as well.
The gifts that I am discovering through this journey are many, too. – Even if they are sometimes hard to recognize in the heaviness of the day-to-day. – And one of the greatest gifts that I have been graced with is the realization of kindness and tenderness and love that is offered so generously!
Thank you for your offerings and may I present them back to you ten-fold. Much light and peace to you today, my friend.
If I may share a thought…please
Up the pinnacle of pain, feel hopeless, I
My body wears, I want to roll down, die
But my spirit pushes me ever high
For at the peak, down to green valleys I will ride
With tears of relief and joy in my eyes
Hang in there…you walk not alone
Peace, Eric
Eric-
Thank you for the generosity of your words. Poetry is indeed a sanctuary that nourishes the soul!
Hi P sending you and your family prayers and my warm wishes…May every breeze that caresses all of you, may every Ray of sun light that touches all of you bring along with them healthy inspiring warm vibes..
Soma-
Spirit sister! Thank you.
Hello, I appreciate your visit, subscription and kind words. After visiting your page, I understand more and empathize with the writings and disclosures that you share. Pouring your heart into words and finding that you are joined with friends in prayer and new threads of an uncommon Love is healing. You have that from me, from all of the wonderful people in comments above and more. May all blessings, prayer of a new Dawn be with you each Hour, that you are wrapped in Love, always.
Linda-
I have been surprised and blessed by the healing that is taking place here… Through my own ability to understand myself better through my writings and the immense support received from the generous community here… Thank you for your own offering and impact!
Wow, I just stumbled upon your blog and my heart breaks for you and your partner. I pray that both of you are able to find true peace in the midst of this incredibly difficult situation. I’ve read a few of your posts, including the one about the twinkies, and you have a wonderful way with words. I hope that through writing this blog, you are able to find some sort of serenity. My heart goes out to both you and your partner…
Most Sincerely
Karen
Karen-
So glad that you are standing here with me! Thank you for your appreciation and prayers! I am finding my way through this with the kind support of friends like you!
Much light and creativity to you!
I was looking at blogs I follow and noticed you haven’t written in a long, long time. I have a feeling things are difficult for you right now. My prays are with you for whatever it is happening in your life. Hang in there.