‘ The question is not whether we will die, but how we will live.’ ~Joan Borysenko
Six months ago, my partner was told his cancer had metastasized and his liver was beginning to fail. That prognosis came with less than a year to live. That was a month before he was told it was attacking his heart. Spindle cell carcinoma.
The doctors wanted him to come in to tell him that. To explain what it meant. To offer gentleness and support in the telling. – He chose hear it over the phone. He never went in to understand. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t remember the term.
He doesn’t talk about his illness at all. It is both his strategy for avoiding death and for being able to live life.
I have tried to respect that, to honor his belief that it is this attitude of defiance that has allowed him to live in a normally healthy state for longer than his initial prognosis. After all, my desire is to know him and enjoy him and love him for as long as I can.
But what I am finding is that I am unable to do this in the way that I would wish. My partner’s response to his illness is asking me to do two very contradictory things.
In asking me to remain with him, he is asking me to agree to watch him die. To experience his dying and the grief and emptiness that will follow. I can agree to this. I do not fear death. But it means strengthening my spirit, readying my heart, preparing for my own care and continuity.
In asking me to ignore his prognosis, he is asking me to agree to act for a future together. To plan and build hopes and dreams and foster dependencies. – And while I have thus far agreed to this in words, I am less and less able to agree to it in spirit and mind. I fear it means even greater loss and grief and disillusionment.
And so I am finding myself reserved and unable to engage in our everyday interactions in the wholehearted way in which I would wish.
Can a mind perform two oppositional functions at one time? If I am on a balance-wire is there any way to reach both ends?
Is there a way to honor both of our needs if they are conflicting? If not, how do I determine whose needs are more important?
Is it even fair to worry about my needs in the face of those of the dying?
psychevida 
of course it is fair to worry about YOUR needs. both your needs are important.
remember, we are all dying. all the time.
your partner just has the (in)convenience of knowing his time is drawing faster than you.
this is a very tough situation and you are a strong person.
The catch is – if he accepts his untimely death, then in fact he has given up. If however, he adopts an attitude of acting as though there is nothing wrong, then he probably has more chance of prolonging his life.
But where does this leave you?
The only way to deal with this, and honour both of you, would be to discuss your concerns with your partner – and work through this together. He is not the only one dying.Whatever happens, this has an impact on your life that is undoubtedly immense.
Good Luck and all the Best To You
Ah, love & crises!!
Thank you so much for your understanding of my conundrum and the necessity of… something! You have offered me both seed for thought and for future posts!
I can only imagine what you are going through. I couldn’t imagine living with someone who is dying but also not wanting to discuss it in anyway. I think you should keep pushing the issue though. His denial is not a good thing. Just because we ignore death, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t still acknowledge some part of it.
Thank you for your support! I am trying to find the balance between discussing his health (death), if only because it is impacting our relationship here and now, and honoring how he has chosen to fight it… I hope to find a gentle, non-invasive way to do it…
Thank you for sharing this concern. I have found that in difficult and conflicting situations what helps me the most is the question the THOUGHTS that I myself have around the matter until I can look at it with a very clear mind and a heart full of love. I am sure you are doing this. The way I found to do it was The Work of Byron Katie. If you think this might help you, the web page is http://www.thework.com. Best of everything, I am sure that the gift of intimacy will be yours thanks to your bravery. Brianda
Brianda-
Thank you. Any guidance towards a ‘clear mind’ and ‘heart full of love’ is greatly appreciated! I will definitely check out the link!
You ask if it is okay to consider your own needs when you live with someone who is dying. it may sound like great conflict however I have found great happiness comes from accepting my prognosis yet choosing to live each day. each moment is a memory in the making for my loving husband, friends and family. to sit with each other reading and sharing just that intimate moment brings us both such joy. we are not in denial that those moments are bringing us closer to our last moment together. yesterday we were discussing how we would like that last moment to be and it will bring some comfort to us both at the time. knowing how he wants to hold me in those last breaths is reaffirming the depth of love and life lived. please find a way to reach into his world, bring him into yours and share what can be a truly beautiful experience. when we come into this world we are unaware of those around us and how we are loved, what a miracle to leave it with the knowledge of life and love.
Again, I cannot express how I have been looking to hear these words. This is what I want. For both of us. And I am committed to finding a way to make it happen. To consciously take advantage of the time we have and not lose it through our lack of intention…
I have the opposite issue…I have the illness, I have the knowledge that death is approaching; however, my spouse chooses to ignore it. He doesn’t like anything unpleasant and will not discuss things. I used to worry what would happen to him once I was gone, but I’m growing more complacent with things. I have a sense that somehow things will resolve themselves the way they need to. I can’t really explain it any better than that–I somehow just know that he will be all right.
Tricia-
It is difficult to have different needs from your partner, especially around such central issues. – My compulsion to know as much as I can is because I don’t know what I will do when he is gone… I want to try to figure that out now. That is my nature. I can also imagine not being able to accept that reality… Wanting to believe that he will always be here, next to me… Things will resolve themselves, won’t they? I just don’t like my perceived lack of control over the outcome…
Such strength and gentleness to you.